I’ve been contemplating friendships for a very long time. And I’ve been wanting to write about this complex, entangled human condition that’s given so much weight and importance for an equally long time, but always ignored the urge and redirected my thoughts and plans. Why? Well, in all honesty, it’s a touchy subject, an awkward one because friendships are complicated; some have long histories and deep connections, some are entrenched in unspoken loyalties, others might be superficial or even brand new but what they all have in common is they can fizzle out, turn stale or even worse, become toxic, and then an awful lot of courage is needed to walk away.
One day, I came across a quote that prompted me to finally write these words. Funny, I never really liked quotes and seeing them pop up on social media even used to irritate me until I read one that was truly thought provoking. And then I found another and another and another. I’ve since dedicated an entire Pinterest board to ‘great quotes.’ I have such a huge collection now that I could write a quote-based story every week!
But for this contemplation I’ll focus on just two.
“I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations” and,
“If you’re not losing friends then you’re not growing up.”
I related to the first quote immediately because I have indeed ended many friendships for that exact reason. The connection simply faded away because were no longer at primary or high school or at university. Also, because we stopped working together and the hot topic of bitching about our bosses and work conditions ceased. Other times we drifted in opposite directions, sometimes physically, emotionally and even intellectually. A few of times I experienced a true falling-out, another time a couple’s divorce ended things and once we couldn’t get passed our differences. In the end, all of these relationships became meaningless, but not all of them ended straight away.
When a relationship becomes meaningless and you have to force yourself to make time, catch up and engage in conversation it starts to feel like work, except no one is paying you. It morphs into a burden, becomes an irritation, a chore. And I know this because I separately and together with Mr Fritz persevered with many “finished” relationships and exhausting (often tedious and boring) conversations over countless hours all the while knowing we wanted it to be over. We grew tired of trying to keep these types of get-togethers going.
Once after a huge ‘dump-your-shitty-emotions-on-me’ session I had with a girlfriend I realized I allowed five hours of my time to be hijacked. I was extremely angry with myself and completely drained. I remember getting home and Mr Fritz made a comment, “You always come home feeling like shit when you’ve been with her!” He was spot on. I always did. She was so needy and so lonely and I knew it. This made breaking up with her even trickier but ultimately, I had to concede that these emotional marathons drained the life out of me. I couldn’t keep going. I tried to set boundaries but they weren’t welcomed. Eventually after a few confronting emails I was unfriended on Facebook and also in real life.
The relief was instantaneous.
I thought about this unusually sudden ending for a long time with a touch of sadness but also because I wanted to understand. Eventually I concluded that we just weren’t suited; the timing of our friendship was wrong. I was already on the move, I was shifting my energy from a largely negative state towards a more positive one. One where gratitude, personal growth and all those other bubbly and enlightened human states start to dominate. I knew that I was changing because I wanted to change. I took steps. I made a conscious effort. I started to meditate, I took art classes, I confronted family, and I culled “friends.”
This transition was already a few years in the making but it takes time to form new habits and the day I met my new friend, I suspect, I let my guard down in a moment of weakness. We connected straight away. She liked me and wanted to hang out. She was smart, worldly and the conversations were often intense and impassioned. But quickly it all became too much. I played a huge part in this too of course. I enabled, I encouraged, I supported and I also dumped a lot of my shit on her. But I stopped enjoying it.
Turns out she was an ‘energy vampire,’ my energy vampire. And I was allowing myself to be sucked dry.
There were other examples too, but none quite as tense and challenging as that one. Did I regret starting this short-lived, fiery friendship though? No, not at all. It had to happen. And it taught me more about myself than I realised at the time. It highlighted how piss weak my boundaries were. I learned what a sad people-pleaser I had been most of my life. It helped me further prioritise my life choices and become more honest and ruthless about how I spend my time and who with.
Life can definitely change you but you can also change your life. And that’s exactly what I was doing. I was actively expanding my horizons; I quit jobs and careers, I suddenly decided to go to university in my 30’s, I started pole dancing classes, we moved house, suburbs and states and even took a year-long road trip around Australia. These were all opportunities for change, some minor, some more profound. My perspective on life, my priorities, my needs and desires all started to change, as did Mr Fritz’s.
And when my dad tragically died two years ago, another major shift took place. Little did I know how this would affect my life. I always imagined that I would fall into some deep, dark hole of sadness and depression (which I did for a while), but much to my amazement I discovered that I grew stronger and more positive than ever before. I really believe that somehow my dad is giving me this strength. I finally understand how precious and fleeting life is and spending it with people who detract from your life simply isn’t worth it.
It’s okay to part ways. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to pursue new goals and to grow. And ‘growing up’ and parting ways is what the second quote reflects on. I really like this one. Maybe because it justifies my personal experiences? Maybe because it explains that sometimes, life is like this? If you don’t grow together you will grow apart, even when you choose to ignore it, like so many people do. Luckily Mr Fritz and I both like to grow; like little bean stalks we sprout new tendrils, sometimes they grow well, other times they shrivel up but they always present an opportunity for development and something new. These changes don’t always suit friends (or family) and can cause discomfort. But that’s okay too.
Friendships are defined in so many different ways and mean different things to different people. I like to think of friendships as a ‘feeling.’ They need to feel natural and without expectations and pressure. They need to feel easy. You know like when you haven’t seen someone in months or even years and the conversation just flows. Laughter, openness and intimacy are important but authenticity is crucial. These emotions are the ones you share with friends you really want to be with. I don’t have time for superficial crap.
